And so it did
What darkness does
It veiled everything in masks
Like the k in knight
everyone knows I’m there
but no one pays attention to me;
labeling me an anomaly,
an unecessary addition.
I know my worth.
I don’t want to grow up like either one of my parents. My mom is controlling, judgemental, whiny, hypocritical and can be bone-crumbling mean. My dad is lazy, self-concerned, egocentric, oblivious, also hypocritical, unfair, a turn-it-over-to-your-colleague wiseacre.
Already I see characteristics in myself that one or both of my parents have and I hate this so much. I feel like that guy in The Beaver, the son who writes all similarities between him and his dad on sticky notes and plans to get rid of them all before going to college. Minus the head-banging, thank God.
But still, this inevitability that I am made of two people who I would never want to be is nipping on me, from the inside out. It bugs me that people say ‘girls marry their fathers’, because I can’t even begin to believe that this statement is true, simply because I despise my father.
It’s one of the reasons I want to leave this place. To make sure that I surround myself with people who don’t resemble my parents in the slightest way, so much that I’ll grow up to be nothing like them. It will be nurture over nature, I yearn for it, to be different from them.
I am quite persistent in this thought and/or promise that I will never ever be like any of them. I will be my own person, like they aren’t even my parents, almost like I’m an orphan. I will be me. I won’t be 50% of my mom and 50% of my dad, no, I will be the full 100% of me and who I want to be.